Smoothie list of shame - and how to avoid geting on it

Hello punters.

I don't know about you, but these days it's hard to get a decent smoothie around town. But you may be confused about exactly what I mean when I say smoothie. I mean - NOT some syrupy milk shake, or blended ice with syrupy milk. Nor do I mean anything made with 'sachets' or powder.
I mean, the real deal, Something real (take fruit, or nice chocolate sauce) blended up, and mixed with either icecream, milk or yoghurt, or a combo of all.

I cannot express how disappointed I am with many cafe's throughout Auckland listing smoothies on the menu, and then charging up to $6.50 for what turns out to be nothing more than a squirt of syrup and crushed ice. This, is called a 'frappe' or as I like to call 'crappe' and a sad substitute for the real thing.

I guess, some would argue that smoothie falls into two categories. One creamy, one icey. But if you ask me, the creamy variety is FAR more superior - unless you're alergic to dairy, in which case, I am sorry for you, and I thank my lucky stars that I am not. I would just die if I couldn't drink smoothies. Or eat cheese. Or milk chocolate.

Well I've written a good few paragraphs without any mention of the list of shame, so here it is.
The following cafe's in Auckland do NOT know how to make smoothies. - Bear in mind EVERY time I ask for a smoothie, I go to great lengths to spell it out - "Do you make it with icecream?" (if they don't I won't buy one) "yes" "Ok can I please have it really thick, like as thick as you can make it." "ok. sure." ((wait ensues)) [Smoothie delivered] ((smile fades as the straw is lying lazily against the edge of the glass, filled with a substance that reveals lightly frothed pink or brown milk.)) Then, one of two things happens. I either say "Oh, I'm sorry, there seems to be some mistake, I asked for it 'super super thick.' " They then say "Do you want me to re-do it?" then I say "Yes." This is usually followed by a short wait, then a re-delivery of what I swear is exactly the same smoothie, perhaps with some saliva or something added for the pesky customer (namely me) and me slowly loosing faith in Auckland's cafe staff. The other option is, I don't say anything at all and then spend the whole time complaining to whoever I'm at the cafe with that nobody knows how to make them like I do at home.

THE LIST OF SHAME:
Do NOT order a smoothie at:
Cezannes, Ponsonby Road. (they used to know how but now the owners have changed.) And, they are still harping on about how they got '2nd best cafe' in metro 2004.. Do something about winning it this year guys!

Dorothy's Sister, Ponsonby Road (I'm sorry chaps but this is probably the worst smoothie ever.)

Sealy Cafe, Thames (I ordered a chocolate smoothie here, after the second attempt I decided to give up. They know how to do 'iced chocolate' but not smoothie.)

The graduate lounge cafe, (Again, asked for it THICK but a crappy milk shake appeared.)

THE HIT AND MISS smoothie list:

Rakinos, High st (Depends who makes this and whether there are a lot of people there. Sometimes they put mint in with the berries which can be quite nice.)

The Auckland Library Cafe (The smoothies are expensive but you get HEAPS in the cup. However they make them in disposable cups which is probably not so necessary given you can't recycle the polystyrene. Also they are a little bit frappé ish but still pretty nice. Perhaps one would use the word 'juicy' rather than 'icy.'

THE ALWAYS SPOT ON list:

Rhondah's kitchen.


Some signs of a good smoothie include:

It has real Flavour, as opposed to really sweet syrupy flavour
The straw stands up by itself
There is quite a bit of tension when you take a sip..in that the stuff is getting
stuck in your straw. VERY good sign
There are no bubbles on top. (this indicates it has been shaken not blended.)
It takes a little while to get to you. (this indicates at least three real ingredients are used, not a 'rip the satchet, blend the ice job'.)

Ok Now I'm going to step you through it, with illustrations to make a 'chocoboys' smoothie. I have found boysenberries have the best flavour for smoothies. Raspberries are too sweet, strawberries too hard to blend. (we are talking frozen here.) and blueberries have annoying bits that get stuck in your teeth.

Ingredients to get:

Neopolitan icecream of a reasonably good brand. (signature range is ok, not Kiwi.)

boysenberries frozen

Yoghurt (plain greek or something)

Milk (not much.)

Put on your apron.

Get out the blender. Make sure there's not weird bits of vege in it from the soup you made the other night.

Blend in the blender about 10 boysenberries. Keep it going until they are in bits that look like scarlet rocksalt. You may notice a freaky white cloudy mist rising after blending. This is good.

Then add a few scoops of icecream of every stripe in the neopolitan. Or you can go with more chocolate.. but best to use up the vanilla too cos it's always left to last.

Then a splash of milk, and before you blend it, mix it over with a spoon.

Blend a few more times then stir each time if it's not mixing properly.

Don't add too much milk, keep it nice and thick.

Pour into a glass with a spoon. (If it's the right consistency it should go in big gloopy plops into the glass rather than pouring smoothly.)

Drinking from the glass can get messy..and frozen top lip, as Vice-president claire is demonstrating.

So eat with a spoon or a straw. IMMEDIATELY.

Perhaps drink it in the garden and wonder at nature's marvels. drink it slow. Or perhaps sit at the computer and blog whilst drinking sporadically.


Clean up the mess that looks like you've slaughtered a small animal.

Now that's how to make a good smoothie.
~ x x rhondah xx ~